Ruby-eo and Jaune-liet
by God Emperor Penguin
Summary: The school play is coming up and Team RWBY and Team JNPR are assigned to produce it. With a smutty script written by Blake, sensual costumes by Yang, under the leadership of Commander-in-Theatre Nora, how will this tragic love story unfold between two star-crossed team captains?
1. Act 1 Scene 1

**Summary:** _The school play is coming up and Team RWBY and Team JNPR are assigned to produce it. With a smutty script written by Blake, sensual costumes by Yang, under the leadership of Commander-in-Theatre Nora, how will this tragic love story unfold between two star-crossed team captains?_

**Ruby-eo and Jaune-liet**

**RWBY**

_Act 1 Scene 1_

* * *

><p><em>As the Vytal Festival comes to a close, as per tradition a pair of teams is assigned to produce a play. For this year, Team RWBY and Team JNPR have been chosen to write, produce, and execute the school play.<em>

**Act 1 Scene 1. The Beacon Theater**

_A pair of curtains pulls back, revealing a papier-mâché stone tower with a balcony. Thorny bushes are set at the foot of the tower. Jaune enters onto the balcony wearing a smutty-looking leather dress with straps, belts, and zippers. His muscles are rippling, his heart is true, and Jaune begins to speak._

**Jaune:** O Weiss-eo, Weiss-eo. Why did my love have to be Weiss-eo?

_Weiss enters the scene through bushes. Twigs and dirt smear her elegant white suit complete with epaulettes and medals of various fictional military orders. Weiss' hair is braided into a bun; leaves are stuck into it. Weiss is unhappy and muttering to herself._

**Weiss:** Stupid bush… why did we have to use a real bush? This is just… so…

_In the audience, Blake coughs as a signal meaning 'read your lines, Weiss!'_

**Weiss:** Ugh… that's right; I have to read these stupid lines. Fine… whatever… Oh Jaune-liet, Jaune-liet. Our families are in a feud that has spanned ten thousand Galactic Federation years. Thousands upon thousands of Arc-pulets and Schnee-tagues have slaughtered each other all for the sake of this planet of Beacon-rona and the mythical dust mélange only Beacon-rona produces. Dust mélange is crucial for our mental navigators to engage in intergalactic hyper drive warp… Blake, just what the f…

**Jaune:** Weiss-eo! It is you! My only enemy is your name of Schnee-tague. Why did you have to be a Schnee-tague?

_Weiss pulls out her script. Her eyes are squinting. Her face reads, 'Blake, did you seriously write this?'_

**Weiss:** My father wanted a son, and my Gene Besserit mother psychokinetically changed my gender in the womb. Of course, that has nothing to do with why I am a Schnee-tague but merely random luck that I am a Schnee-tague.

_Weiss face palms._

**Jaune:** Look upon how your hand is pressed against your cheek! Why… what I would give to satisfy thy wish that I were but a hand upon your cheek to grace your skin by moonlit glow and realize our love in the driven snow. Shall you not come into my chambers?

_Weiss looks at her script._

**Weiss:** Did you… wait… did Jaune just… in the snow… ask me if we wanted to fu-

**Jaune:** O come now Weiss-eo and enter my chamber! My father hath recently purchased from thy most filthy merchant of Vacuo-burg a device that produces ice in thy room. Won't you warm my heart and soul and body from this chilly blizzard?

_Jaune throws out a ladder made from riding crops and leather belts._

_Weiss stares at the ladder._

_Weiss looks back at the script._

**Weiss:** Yeah, cut. Cut! I'm done.

_Commander-in-Theatre Nora, Script Writer Blake, Costume Manager Yang, Captain Ruby, and Ren enter the stage._

**Nora:** I am the Commander-in-Theatre! I'm the one that gets to say 'cut'!

**Weiss:** You get to say cut after you finish getting a new script. Blake! This script is utterly ridiculous. Who wants to see a play about two star-crossed lovers from two different families that are engaged in an intergalactic blood feud?

_Ren raises his hand._

**Ren:** I kind of want to see that.

_Nobody cares about Ren's opinion._

**Blake:** Well, everyone voted in favor of the script. You included.

**Weiss:** I voted in favor because you said you wrote the lead role just for me! B-but this… what kind of a role is this? I'm so…so… dorky! Do you realize how many times my character goes off into tangents about the socioeconomic state of Beacon-rona when it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot!?

**Ruby:** Well I think you're killing that role, Weiss!

**Blake:** Killing it in a bad way. Weiss, you need to enunciate more. Look at Jaune, he gets it.

_Everyone looks at Jaune up on the balcony. He is looking at himself in the mirror on the balcony and shaking his rear in front of it._

**Jaune:** Yang, I still think this dress makes my butt looks too big.

**Yang:** Get a smaller butt, then! I think making Jaune our lead actor is getting to his head… stupid prima donna.

**Weiss:** Isn't there another play we could do?

_Blake pulls out several manuscripts from her pocket._

**Blake:** There's '_White Rose_' where you and Ruby are engaged in a romantic tyst.

**Weiss:** Does this involve kissing? Fondling?

**Blake:** Yes.

**Weiss:** Pass.

**Blake:** There's '_Freezer Burn_' where you and Yang are-

**Weiss:** Does this one also…

**Blake:** ...yes.

_Weiss looks at Blake annoyed._

**Weiss:** I could write a story where I spend all day reacting to the stupid things people like you write… Like… it'll span over eighty chapters and going and have crossovers and tropes and blackjack and… and… I'll call it… Schnee-prah's Book Club!

_Blake stares back at Weiss._

**Blake:** There's also '_Weiss, What's a Blow-_

**Weiss:** Nope. Nope. Nope! Whatever, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm out. Peace.

_Weiss exits the stage._

**Blake:** _-torch'_

**Ruby:** But Weiss… she's gone. Without Weiss, who else can we get to play the lead love interest? And whoever is the lead love interest has to spend a lot of time with Jaune probably alone in romantic settings and stuff.

_Pyrrha emerges from the background. She is in a tree costume. Her arms are stuff as branches and her feet feel rooted to the ground._

**Pyrrha:** I wouldn't mind being…

**Yang:** Yeah, we need someone feminine with a lot of charm and popularity. Our lead actress has got to be a popular one after all but slightly masculine since Weiss' role is a male.

**Ruby:** But Weiss had all of that…

**Nora:** Plus she was strong! She could definitely break some legs in the arena. It makes the boys go crazy for her.

**Pyrrha:** Hey I fight too-

**Yang:** Not to mention she has acting experience.

**Pyrrha:** I was in commercials-

**Ruby:** How can we replace that?

_Everyone on stage but Pyrrha collectively sighs._

**Ruby:** We can't…

**Pyrrha:** Yes! We can!

_Everyone on stage looks at Pyrrha._

**Yang:** Gosh darn it! Pyrrha is right! We can replace that! We had the perfect romantic lead all this time right in front of us. Think about it… which one of us would give the school newspaper gossip columns the biggest scoop to hype up the play? We don't have the Schnee heiress… but we have something better. Everyone… I propose that we make…

_Pyrrha takes off her tree headdress._

**Pyrrha:** I'd be happy to nominate my-

**Yang:** …Ruby, our new lead actress!

**Nora:** Yes!

_Blake nods in agreement._

**Pyrrha:** What.

**Yang:** Think about it! Two team captains in love… all we got to do is leak this out to the school newspaper along with some scandalous pictures and the hype for our play will be so huge it'll be the most successful play in Beacon's history.

**Nora:** I, the Commander-in-Theatre, approve of this plan!

**Blake:** Script Writer seconded.

**Yang:** And the Costume Manager absolutely supports it. Way to go, sis, you're going to be the lead actress in the school play!

_Everyone is cheering and congratulating Ruby except for Pyrrha who goes back to being a tree._

**Ruby:** M-me? An actress… eh!?

_Ruby is thinking to herself. She is nervous. She will have to be a lead actress alongside Jaune. Their characters are madly in love in each other. Will our two team captains fall madly in love with each other as well? I'll let you decide._

_But the answer's yes._

* * *

><p><em>Act 1 Scene 1 Fin<em>

**Author's Note:** _If I ever find time, I'll continue this. But for now it's a oneshot. Also did you get the joke? Because the fic is about a school play... and the story is written like a script... okay, I'll just show myself out the door then._


	2. Act 1 Scene 2

**Summary:** _The school play is coming up and Team RWBY and Team JNPR are assigned to produce it. With a smutty script written by Blake, sensual costumes by Yang, under the leadership of Commander-in-Theatre Nora, how will this tragic love story unfold between two star-crossed team captains?_

**Ruby-eo and Jaune-liet**

**RWBY**

_Act 1 Scene 2_

* * *

><p><em>As the Vytal Festival comes to a close, as per tradition a pair of teams is assigned to produce a play. For this year, Team RWBY and Team JNPR have been chosen to write, produce, and execute the school play. <em>

**Act 1 Scene 2. The Beacon Theater**

_A pair of curtains pull back. The set is a destroyed downtowns with cars on fire, broken bottles and newspapers scattered about, and Pyrrha sitting in a corner dressed as a random homeless person. Ruby shambles out of stage right, dressed in her red civilian attire but torn and ripped at the joints. The outfit is slightly revealing, as designed by Yang, but still modest. Ruby wears make up of plastic and fake blood, giving her the appearance of being one of the unholy risen dead._

**Ruby:** _Jaaaune_… _Jaaaune_... I want to eat your _braaain_…

_Ruby shambles around the stage, arms stretched and tongue sticking out. Jaune enters stage left dressed provocatively in daisy dukes with bikini on top. _

**Jaune:** Oh my! I got me some of the vapors!

_Jaune promptly faints fanning himself with a large fried chicken drumstick. Ruby shambles closer._

**Ruby:** _Jaaaune_… _Jaaaune_… your _braaain_… I want… I want… your _braaain_…!

_Ruby approaches the fallen Jaune, leaning over him. In a dramatic moment, Ruby leans over Jaune prepared to consume the peanut-sized organ within his skull. However, at the last moment, before her lips reaches Jaune's to suck out the delicious morsel, Ruby turns to the audience and delivers a soliloquy. _

**Ruby:** _Jaaaune_… to be… or not be… that is the quest-braaain…! Tis' nobler in the mind… _braaains_… To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune… _braaains_…

_In the audience, Weiss and Blake are watching the rehearsal. Blake is taking down notes for comments and suggestions to provide a more engaging performance. Weiss watches with her mouth open. She tries to speak but struggles to get words out. Finally, Weiss manages to turn to Blake and speak her mind._

**Weiss:** Blake… about this screenplay…

**Blake:** What about it?

**Weiss:** It's… just that… this play… Blake, it's not that I'm not into the whole two star-crossed lovers during a zombie apocalypse where one is an eloquent undead ghoul with Tourette's and the other is a mentally handicapped oaf who speaks with a fried chicken accent but… wait, where was I going with this?

**Blake:** There was something wrong with my screenplay?

**Weiss: **Oh yes. Your screenplay is ridiculous.

**Blake:** Well everyone voted on it and agreed to it.

**Weiss:** Not everyone. didn't get to vote.

**Blake:** You walked out.

**Weiss:** I… okay, yes I did but still. Shouldn't I have a bit more input as Head Critic?

**Blake:** Your reaction is good enough.

_Blake jots a few more notes down before standing up and exiting the audience to get onto the stage and discuss a few comments and pointers with Jaune and Ruby._

_Pyrrha the Tree enters the audience. She seats herself besides Weiss._

**Pyrrha: **What's wrong Weiss. Why so gloom and doom?

**Weiss: **It's nothing... well, okay it's a lot of somethings. I just wanted to be the lead actress! This was going to be my debut… okay, sure I've been in some multi-million dollar musicals before but those were for family and business associates. This is the school play Pyrrha! You only get to be in a school play like… once! When you're in school!

**Pyrrha:** So you want to be lead actress, eh…

**Weiss:** Not with this stupid script… stupid Script Writer Blake… stupid Commander-in-Theatre Nora approving all of it… stupid Yang… with… well actually Ruby does look pretty cute in that dress.

**Pyrrha:** Agreed. Even though you're Head Critic, it seems they're not listening to your input at all.

**Weiss: **You got that right. Is it so wrong to want to make something… _good_?

**Pyrrha:** Absolutely not. But Weiss, I believe in you. I know you can come up with a better script and direct a better play

**Weiss:** You know what Pyrrha… you're right! If I was directing this then I'd have… I'd have… I'm not quite sure what I'll have but I'll definitely make you lead actress!

_Pyrrha's lips curve into a smile. Pyrrha is a happy tree._

**Pyrrha:** If you come up with something, I'm all ears.

**Weiss:** Thank you for letting me vent. If there's a way to unseat Commander-in-Theatre Nora and her lackeys… then we can make this school play the best there ever was!

_Pyrrha and Weiss exit the audience._

_Costume Manager Yang, Lead Actor Jaune, and Lead Actress Ruby enters the audience._

**Jaune:** Yaaang! My butt is too tight in these daisy dukes.

**Yang: **If you want a smaller butt then I'm more than happy to beat some fat out of it…

_Ruby slaps Yang on the back of the head._

**Ruby: **That's dirty, Yang!

**Yang:** W-What? I-I… what!? I wasn't-

_Ruby leans in close to Yang and whispers urgently._

**Ruby:** He poops from there!

**Yang:** Oh… Oh! Ruby… oh my sweet, innocent little Ruby.

_Yang ruffles Ruby's head before turning to Jaune._

**Yang:** Start working out you prima donna.

**Jaune:** But I work out with Pyrrha every night…

**Yang:** What.

_Ruby claps excitedly._

**Ruby:** That sounds healthy! Can I join you guys during your workout sessions?

**Yang:** Absolutely not!

**Jaune:** Why not? It gets lonely with just me and Pyrrha doing it on the rooftop. Sometimes we might want to try something different. You know, experiment with different techniques.

**Yang:** Y-You do it on the rooftop!?

**Ruby:** That sounds fun! We're young; we should be experimenting! Yang, can I join?

**Yang:** I-I… No… no! No no no!

**Ruby:** But Yang…

**Yang:** As your sister I said '_no_' and that's final!

_Yang shot a glare at Jaune._

**Yang:** I don't approve of you, Jaune… so don't lay a finger on Ruby or else I'll wreck you a new butt hole!

_Yang exits the audience in a fury._

**Ruby:** Do you think… Yang doesn't want us to be friends?

**Jaune:** Maybe it's just the stress of the costume making? You look cute by the way.

_Ruby looks away from Jaune and blushes._

**Ruby:** Th-thanks!

**Jaune:** Ah well. Rehearsal today is over. Want to get some ice cream?

**Ruby:** Yup! You know me so well. C-can I get strawberry? You know the one with the little cheesecake bits so when you bite into them they get all gooey and chewy your mouth!?

_Jaune smiles and ruffles Ruby's hair who begs him to quit it._

**Jaune:** Sure. Come on, let's get there before the ice cream parlor closes.

_Jaune offers a hand to Ruby who gladly takes it. Together they exit the stage, hand in hand to head to the ice cream parlor and enjoy a nice outing together. It's a wonderfully bonding experience between two team captains… two friends spending time together!_

_Unbeknownst to them, from the shadows of the stage, they were being watched by the most unhappy tree of them all..._

* * *

><p><em>Act 1 Scene 2 Fin<em>

**Author's Notes: **_I'm honestly just making stuff as I go along. But let's see where this goes… ;_;_


End file.
